I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Don't make out with my wife yet
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
