ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
