My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
