While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
