Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
