Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
