Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
