I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
