I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
