i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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