I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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