My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!