Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
