Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
