ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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