i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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