1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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