Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
