So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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