everyone is single if you try hard enough
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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