Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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