Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
