Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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