just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
