Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
