That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
