if i can run in heels then i can drive
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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