haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Drunk is a universal language darling
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize