I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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