You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
