Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
