youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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