Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
