There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
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I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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