that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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