i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
