I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
