so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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