There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
