he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
