well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In other news, I just burned my penis
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
