the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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