I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
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I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
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Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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