I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
