i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
