I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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