the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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