New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
