Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
