i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
