she woke up with a sticky ear
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
