Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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