i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
