She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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