Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
