Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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