i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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