Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
