If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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